Tips to stop your child from hitting

Why might your child be hitting?

First of all, babies, toddlers, and preschoolers do hit at least once in a while. They don’t have sufficient theory of mind, or the ability to think about others’ thoughts and feelings yet. And, their self-control and discipline is still developing.

But what happens when they start doing it a little too often? You don’t want it to become a habit. And you don’t want it to become a problem when your child starts school.

Well, there may be a reason that these children are hitting. They may be sweet. But they may be missing the ability to communicate effectively.

There is a direct relationship between hitting and the inability to communicate. This means that whenever your child hits, it is because she is trying to tell you something. And she does not have another efficient way she is comfortable with.

This applies for children who are nonverbal – but it also applies for children who have words, sentences, and more. They might have the building blocks, but they don’t know how to put the blocks together.

As a parent, then, you can explicitly teach your child alternatives to hitting. Here are some tips you can try to give children the means to communicate what they want.

1. Model no tolerance for hitting

Before we get started, it is really important to set the expectation that hitting is not okay.

When a child hits, you are allowed to become very serious. Your voice can get more stern.

And you can say – just a couple of times - “No. we do not hit.”

You can make eye contact, and be firm.

That’s it. It is a gentle form of negative reinforcement

2. Teach requesting

Make sure that your little one knows how to ask for what he / she wants.

For children without words yet, you can teach the ASL sign for "want"and "more."

You can also teach your child to point / gesture to what he wants as early as 7 months.

For older children, you can teach your child how to say “want + object” or “I want + object” in order to request.

To teach requesting, merely model the request to your child whenever he / she wants something. Your child will be paying attention to you, because she needs you. Take that moment to show what she should have done to request. Try to model 3 times before giving in, so your child can remember it for next time. Continue to model until your child requests by herself.

3. Teach turn taking

You can do this as soon as you begin to play with your child. Whether you are throwing a ball or stacking blocks, make a point of inserting yourself into the game. For example, say “my turn” then throw the ball. Then say “your turn” and throw the ball. As a child gets older, you can start prompting your child to give turns as well.

When you are teaching your child turn taking, you are establishing the foundation for 2-way communication. With time, your child knows that when he says something, he is heard.

4. Teach sharing as something that is positive – not negative

Sharing is an important part of social learning and communication.

And, sharing is where parents can see hitting and other negative behaviors first.

A child may not want to share – and thus may hit in retaliation, or hit when a toy is being taken away.

To show that sharing is a positive thing, you can reward it. For example, “If you give your sister one car, I’ll give you a piece of bubble gum.” Or, “Because you shared so nicely, we’re going to go to the park.”

If this strategy is executed consistently, sharing will become a positive experience.

5. Teach your child to label his emotions

By age 3-4, a child can recognize simple emotions like “happy “ and “sad.” As children grow older, you can add more adjectives to the mix, like “mad” and “scared.” Just like with teaching how to request, teach your child emotions by modeling them. “I’m feeling sad.” Or “Mike is feeling happy.”

By the time a child is 4-5, children start to understand "why" questions.So you can add the reason for each emotion, too. “Why are you feeling sad Mike? Is it because your hungry?” Or “Why are you feeling happy, Sarah? Is it because you’re eating ice cream?”

The more you model, and the more you repeat your model, the quicker your child will catch on. Then they will be able to voice their frustrations. And, more importantly, they will be able to explain why they are feeling a certain way, instead of hitting.

6. Teach your child how their actions impact others

This is more complex. A child only starts to think about how his actions impact others at around age 4-5 .

At around this age, teach your child to note your feelings. If she hits, bring her attention to your face. For example - “Emma, how is your brother feeling?” Pause. Frown. “He's feeling sad.” Pause. “Why is he feeling sad?”Pause. “Because you hit him.” Pause. “Can you say sorry?”

7. See a speech-language pathologist

If you suspect that your child is having trouble communicating – either communicating needs, or understanding directions, or relating to others – consult a milestone chart. If you suspect your child is having a problem, do not wait. See your pediatrician, and try to get a referral to see a speech-language pathologist for a consultation / evaluation. The earlier you get help, the better your child will catch up.

So there you have it. The next time your little one hits, try to see it as an attempt to communicate. Address the hitting - but also provide other ways your child can address emotions and needs that are underlying it.

It will be extra work to bring communication into the mix of a child’s behavior. But if done correctly, the effort will be well worth it.

Disclaimer : Smarter Speech is a pediatric speech therapy / speech-language pathology practice for toddlers and children providing in-home and teletherapy services in and around Mountain View, CA and Los Gatos, CA. Smarter Speech Blog aims to provide free speech and language tips for parents educators and therapists. However, this post is not providing speech-language pathology services. This is general information, not speech -language pathology or speech therapy. This article does not assume or create a client – SLP relationship. The author is not liable for any losses or damages due to actions or failure to act based on the content in this article. If you need assistance with a child’s speech or language needs, please contact a speech-language pathologist in your area.